Sunday, November 21, 2010: Look out! Flying babies!

"Ohshh, ohshh," is one of Gavin's new favorite sayings. He says it whenever he, say, drops something, or knocks something down when he didn't intend to, or falls on his butt. I am, of course, worried that what he's actually saying is, "Oh shit, oh shit," and, if so, that I am definitely to blame. Recently another mother told me about when her daughter was about three and one day blurted out, "Shit, shit, shit!" She went right to her husband and said, "You've got to stop swearing in the house! Did you hear what she said?" And then, a few days later, upset about something, she heard herself say, "Shit, shit, shit!" It was, in fact, her all along. I, myself, need no revelation. I am under no illusion that I have a clean mouth. And I do try not to swear in front of Gavin. But "Oh, shit" has been one of my go-to phrases for years. It's a hard habit to break.

Speaking of swearing in front of children, my friend Lisa and her son Brenden (he's six weeks older than Gavin and Gavin just turned 16 months -- I almost wrote 16 weeks. Not quite -- yesterday) were on a plane last weekend headed from Los Angeles to Oregon. She had him on her lap in the window seat and a woman came down the aisle -- an older woman, a grandma type, Lisa said, "The kind of woman you'd expect to love the shit out of kids" -- and found she was seated next to them. Now keep in mind that Brenden was being really good, he wasn't crying, he hadn't shit his pants or anything. He was excited to be on the plane and was looking out the window. This woman sat down and was seated for maybe two seconds when she sprung up and went to talk to the flight attendant. "I want a new seat," she said. "I am not sitting next to a fucking baby. I paid over $300 fucking dollars for this ticket and I can't believe this..." And on and on. Now, keep in mind, it's not a big plane and she's only a few rows away making no real effort to be discrete. Lisa was mortified. She said all eyes in the plane alternated between this woman and her. The flight attendant informed the woman that it was a full flight and there were no other seats available and I don't know what she would have done if some man up near the front didn't spring up and say, "You can have my seat. I'd love to sit next to the baby." And thus Lisa sat next to a man who told Lisa he had four kids and apologized on the woman's behalf calling her, "Pure evil." So thank goodness for this guy.

Now, Lisa's experience is not a common one, I don't think. I have never seen anyone raise a fuss about sitting next to a baby on a plane before. Gavin has been on a plane twice, once to Florida last year at Christmas time, and once to California. No one gave us any problems. I've heard plenty of people say they inwardly groan when they get on a plane and are seated near a baby, but no one ever go ape shit out loud about it. But try telling that to Lisa. Because the woman on the plane to Oregon was the second time this kind of thing has happened to her. On a flight from Los Angeles to Detroit another grandmotherly-looking woman asked to change seats so she wouldn't have to sit next to Lisa and Brenden. This woman didn't drop F-bombs all over the plane, but she still was rude and insistent. Luckily there was another available seat and Lisa and Brenden ended up having the whole row to themselves. And Brenden slept like an angel the entire flight.

So considering Lisa's travails, it was with much interest that I read the New York Times article "Passengers Push for Child-Free Flights." Apparently there's a vocal minority who claim they'd "gladly pay more" for flights sans children. I have a couple of responses to this. First of all, never tell airlines that you'd "gladly pay more" for anything because they are already gladly charging more for everything. Want to bring luggage? Open your wallet. Want something to drink, even water? Get out your credit card. Hell, Spirit even charges you for carry on bags. Pretty soon they'll charge you to use the restrooms and add an extra fee if you want to actually sit in a seat as opposed to standing in the aisle holding onto a goddamn strap like you're on a city bus.

As far as proposals go, child-free flights really aren't feasible. It would make traveling more of a logistical nightmare than it already is. The NYT article mentions a Facebook group called "Airlines Should Have Kid-Free Flights" (over 400 members now) where people kvetch and moan about kids kicking their seats and babies screaming and children throwing temper tantrums from one side of the globe to the other. I guess I've just been lucky, but I've never been on a flight with one of these terror-babies that folks are describing. Most of the posts on the Facebook group's wall blame the parents, which is probably fair in many instances (although it's important to point out that sometimes kids freak the fuck out for reasons even the best parent can't figure out or fix right away). Of course, it would be even more impractical to bar bad parents from flights because babies and toddlers flying alone are notorious for missing their connecting flights, never mind the barely comprehensible directions they give to cab drivers once they've reached their destination.

For the record I think Stacy and I are fairly good parents, though that doesn't mean I'm not nervous about our upcoming flight to Florida at Christmas time (I'm going to check out Jet With Kids before we fly and hopefully find something useful). Last year Gavin couldn't even sit up by himself, let alone walk and talk. But we're bringing a totally different kid this time. Last year he was a baby, now he's a toddler. And toddlers are capable of a lot more havoc on a plane. I mean, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but I think he'll be pretty good. I hope so, anyway. I plan to be armed to the teeth with snacks, toys, and other diversions and can only do the best I can. Still, it's possible that my son might annoy some of his fellow travelers. Especially if we have Lisa's luck and end up sitting next to child-hating grannies from hell. But you know, fuck those kinds of people. I've got enough to worry about with the TSA insisting on either zapping my body in a microwave or rooting around in my ass crack before I board the plane.