Gavin has a black eye. He's had it since Monday. We're guessing he got it Sunday evening before he went to bed. Or maybe after he went to bed. Who's to say he doesn't sneak out at night and go to the Booby Trap? It's not terribly far from our house, after all. And he does like boobies. But since The Booby Trap is currently closed for renovations (at least I think it's closed. It hasn't seemed open the last few times I drove by. But it's not like I stopped by and tried to get in) the more likely cause of Gavin's black eye is his post-bath nekkid head bump under the kitchen table on Sunday. I was just outside the room so I didn't see it. Stacy was there but since he was under the table I doubt she saw exactly what happened. And it's not like the kid hitting his head is a major occurrence. Most of the time it's just a bump. In any case, as of yesterday his shiner is in full bloom. It doesn't seem to bother him at all. He doesn't even know he has it. But I do. And it kills me a little bit.
On Monday he and I went to the Henry Ford Museum. I have to say, when you're out in public with a black-eyed toddler you feel compelled to explain to everyone who looks at your son that no, you do not beat him. At least that was my experience. He was such a good boy at the museum. Had a lot of fun sitting in the olden days car and in the giant combine. I'm glad we have a membership because then there's no pressure to see and do everything. I can let him choose the way to go and what he wants to see. We ate lunch in the cafe and he had mac and cheese and blueberry yogurt. I tried some mashed potatoes but they were way heavy on the garlic and neither I nor Gavin wanted to eat them. In fact, I ended up eating nothing since I don't eat yogurt or cheese. Why can't the Henry Ford serve vegan mac and cheese? Maybe they could get Earthen Jar to sell them their recipe. Theirs is the best.
In any case, speaking of Gavin's good behavior, Stacy and I have been using techniques from Ain't Misbehavin': Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime Blues and Other Perfectly Normal Kid Behaviors by Alyson Schafer. She espouses a democratic style of parenting where kids are given choices and are also treated as human beings worthy of respect and consideration. We've always aimed for this style of parenting, but Schafer's book really helps put these ideas into practice. One of the things she says is that kids need choices. We've found this to be especially true when Gavin doesn't want to do something. For example, if I say, "Gavin, we need to head into your room so that I can change your diaper," Gavin is quite likely going to say, "No." Maybe what he's engaged in is more interesting than diaper changing. Maybe he just wants to assert himself and he knows that "no" is one of the most powerful words he has. Instead of saying something like, "Oh, yes you are," and scooping him up and bringing him there myself," I would say, "Yes, Gavin. It's pajama time. Can you walk to your bedroom or do I need to carry you?" Over and over he picks the choice that makes him the most independent. He'd rather walk, thank you very much (and as he creeps past 30 lbs. I'd rather he walk, too).
Schafer also offers a really great way to get your kid to do what you say. For example, Gavin really wanted some Cheerios yesterday. We were hanging out in the kitchen. I was doing prep work for dinner and he was pulling every single thing out from the cupboard. This is something he likes to do. It makes a hell of a mess, though (and for the record this particular cabinet doesn't contain things made of glass for this very reason). I don't mind when he does this, but when the floor becomes impassible I ask him to start putting things back, which often isn't a problem since he seems to like taking things out and putting them back in (for now, anyway). Well this time he had no interest in putting things away. But he did have a keen interest in Cheerios (which I don't get. I have always disliked Cheerios. Granted, as a parent I understand their utility, but still don't know why anyone likes to eat them). And so when he asked (and he almost always says "please," which is adorable. We're working on making "thanks" more common, too) I got out a little container and put Cheerios in it. When he asked for them again I told him he could have them, but that he had a mess to clean up first. And so away he went, putting things back into the cupboard. It made me feel a bit like Wonder Woman but without the unitard.
In any case, I highly recommend this book and I really dig the principles of democratic parenting (although at one point she does say that sarcasm is not parenting, which I can't help but take personally). I feel compelled to point out that democratic parenting is not the same as permissive or push-over parenting where the kids do whatever they want without consequences because their parents can't say no to them or don't have the wherewithal to give them choices and to be consistent. I mean, a democratic parent is still the boss. It's just best to remember that the best bosses aren't assholes.
a) Sounds like a great book. And it sounds a lot like what I'm reading about dog training! (I want a dog. This will not happen any time in the near future, alas. But I am obsessed with dogs and want to be a Good Dog Owner.) And the thing is, you can use only positive methods to get your dogs to be amazingly well-behaved. And it's a similar concept, about making the "right" option more pleasant and desirable, so that they'll choose to do it. And what you get are dogs that are happy, curious for what comes next in life, trusting, and bonded to you. And yeah, it's not about being a pushover owner who spoils their dog or something. In fact you'll get a way better-behaved dog than the common dog owner who ineffectually yells COME HERE! over and over while the dog totally ignores them (because, similar to what you described above, whatever they're doing is more engaging than the idea of coming to their owner. That's their "reward" for ignoring you.)
ReplyDeleteb) As a kid I LOVED cheerios. Still like 'em. But I was a picky eater and was inevitably one of the smallest in the class for years. My mom remembers inviting a bunch of my little friends over when I was in pre-school, and feeding us cheerios for a snack. My friends would stuff cheerios into their mouths by the handful, cheeks bulging like squirrels. I, however, would pick up an individual cheerio and break it in half.
Then I would break the HALF in half.
Then I would put the quarter of a cheerio in my mouth and eat it. Etc.
c) Sarcasm isn't parenting? Uh, okay, but un-sarcasm (what's the exact opposite of sarcasm) isn't parenting either. Parenting entails a bit more than either of those, I'd think. Buh?