Week 20 Day 2: Walk like a man

Man, some days it really sucks being a parent. Especially being the parent at home all day with Mr. Crabby McCrabberton. Today felt like several days, the hours in between 3 and 6 p.m. were especially exhausting because by then I had had it and he had had it. And that's never a good combination in any relationship.

And yet... Gavin took his first steps today! Two and a half steps, to be imprecise. He was standing a couple feet away from me -- standing is something he is quite good at now. His record is now 20 seconds at a time -- and so I put out my hands in a "come here" gesture and said, "Come over to me, Gavin." He looked at me a little quizzically and then he took one lumbering step with one foot, another with the other, and then his third step didn't quite make it before he started to fall toward me (I caught him). I grabbed him in a Bear hug (of course) and I let out a kind of little scream that freaked him out at first, but then I was all, "Yea! You did it!" and clapping, which made him smile and smile and make happy sounds. I am not sure he knew exactly what we were celebrating, but still. It is not the first time I've tried to get him to walk toward me. He's managed one step before, several times, but I don't count that because the hard part is incorporating both feet and actually moving forward. So whether he "gets" it or not, he walked. And as excited as I am I'm also thinking, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I encouraging this?" Because a walking Gavin is only going to make my life harder. And his, really, considering how often he already bruises and bumps himself. I keep thinking of what that mom at the Community Center told me about how a 10-month-old walking is scary because 10-month-olds don't have any sense. And let's face it, Stacy is not the most graceful or coordinated woman on earth (except when she's belly dancing. It's a weird transformation) and his genes are rooted in hers. Let's hope his donor DNA has a good strong balance gene. But I'll also miss his crawling once he transforms into a two-legged creature. I'll miss the little slap, slap, slap sound of his hands as he crawls across the wood floor. I don't know why I love it so much, but I do.

In other firsts, Gavin also asked me to read him a book this afternoon. As mentioned, he was really crabby today and nothing I did seemed to make him happy. At one point we were in his room and I was sitting in the rocking chair and he was on the floor kvetching, not crying so much but getting there, while trying to pick up a book that was on the floor in between us. He was having trouble with this. He'd try to pick it up and then he'd gesture toward me. He did this over and over until I was all, "Do you want to read a book?" I reached down for the book and he stood up and put his hands on my knees and looked up at me, so I plopped him in my lap and opened the book and he just settled right in. It was one of the only times where I felt like I was able to recognize what he wanted and carry out his wishes.

Throughout the day there was a lot of, "Mama, pick me up!" "No! I don't want to be picked up, put me down." "No! Why did you put me down? Pick me up!" And on, and on... In his unhappiness there was also a lot of pulling on my clothes. He'd tug at my pant leg or grab at my sleeve or pull the sting of my sweatshirt hood. After awhile, no matter how much you love someone, that gets pretty fucking annoying. Especially since I can't seem to fix whatever is making him unhappy in the first place. At one point I was trying to walk across his room and he was sitting up on the floor. He kept grabbing at my pant legs and when I pulled my leg away he lost his balance and fell over and bumped his head on the floor. So I'm pretty much the worst mom ever and might as well have just cold clocked him in the face like a stranger in the street. Needless to say, I felt awful and bumping his head certainly didn't help calm him down any.

So needless to say we were both very happy to see Stacy when she came home today. Of all the days for her to have a staff meeting after work, too. She thought that maybe Gavin was teething since he also woke up crying at 4 a.m. Granted, I could have thought of that, but I didn't (thoughtless = bad mom). I just thought he was over tired even though his naps were pretty good today. So when he went to bed tonight we gave him some pain meds (not Tylenol, of course) and Hyland's Teething Tablets (no idea if they work or not, but I figure what the hell. It's worth a try. Plus I have a friend who says they worked for her kids). Hopefully he'll sleep through the night and I can dose him up tomorrow if he needs it. I know I will.