Monday, Aug. 23, 2010: Donor party

I just watched this animation of a Story Corp interview between a mother and her son. Do I need to say that it made me cry? No, no I don't need to say that. Though truth be told I watched the Danny and Annie story and video first and that really made me cry so maybe I was just primed for crying when I watched this one. Though I don't think that was it. I remember hearing this interview on NPR one morning and I'm pretty sure I got at least choked up then. The relationship between this little boy and his mom is really awesome and so sweet. Her son has Asperger's, which accounts, in large part, for his frankness, but the way his mother responds to him is very honest and straight forward and her love for her son is so evident.

No doubt Gavin will one day ask me questions that make me uncomfortable and are difficult to answer and I'll be able to respond like this woman does. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to say, "Go ask your mother."

Gavin will touch his feet and toes when asked the whereabouts of each. Same with his penis. He's making new connections so quickly now. Every day it's something new. Usually somethings. I realize that I am biased and that if I didn't think this I'd be a jerk, but I really think I have a very intelligent son. I mean, yeah he still tries to eat wood chips and dog food, but all in all he's a pretty advanced dude. His donor seems smart enough and Stacy is super smart. She got a 32 on the ACT, for example. I think I got a 21. Maybe a 23. It was the math that killed me. I like to think that I'm proof that you can still be smart even if you're not smart at everything. Either that or "fake it 'til you make it" is really working out for me. I realize that ACT scores aren't a measure of intelligence, I'm just saying that Gavin has the genes of a smart lady and a good test taker.

Gavin's Granny Marilyn is in town visiting currently. That's Stacy's mom. She is very sweet on him and it's pretty adorable. I can't say I mind people who get all swoony around my son. Actually, I take that back. I can definitely come up with some scenarios where I would mind. My point is that Gavin's granny loves her grandson and that's a good thing. And our friends Anne and Angus came over today. Angus is two days older than Gavin. The boys are too young to actually play with each other, but they do occasionally want the same toy. They are both big dudes. Angus isn't walking yet, though he does love to jump. Gavin is, of course, walking everywhere, even into and onto things. But while Angus was here he did take a few steps on his own much to everyone's surprise and delight. Hopefully we can make another play date with them soon.

A week ago I was listening to Tell Me More on NPR while I folded laundry or something and there was a segment about kids who were conceived via donor sperm. The guests included three women, only one of them with anything positive to say about the issue. That would be Wendy Kramer, founder DonorSiblingRegistry.com where donor offspring can connect with each other and donors can connect with their offspring. Stacy and I are not members of DonorSiblingRegistry.org, though a while back we did look at that site and a few others and found that Gavin technically has half brothers and half sisters out there. And while that's kind of strange in a way, they don't feel like lost siblings. Not to us, anyway. Gavin may feel differently about that when he gets older.

Oh, and we also looked at our sperm bank's Facebook page, which we could become "fans" of, but that seems kind of weird. There people have posted photos of their kids, sometimes with captions like, "Thanks #9986 for your great DNA." I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'd love to post Gavin's photo because he is beautiful and I am thankful that our sperm bank exists and that our donor ended up there. And while I do post lots of photos of Gavin on Facebook, I don't feel comfortable exposing him in this way. Not yet, anyway. Who knows, maybe I never will. Of course, I've looked at all of the photos that parents have posted to the page and loved seeing them, eagerly looking to see if anyone gave a shout out to our donor (they didn't). But I'm not there myself. I'm not itching to find out who else has our donor's DNA. For one thing, I'm afraid the number will be really large and freak me out. For another thing, like I said, other kids born with the help of our particular donor don't feel like lost kin or something.

Anyway, back to the Tell Me More story. So Wendy Kramer is on there representing the positive side of donor insemination. She had her son Ryan using donor sperm and is pretty darn happy with him. Then there was Elizabeth Marquardt, author of the study “My Daddy's Name is Donor" who basically said that donor kids are more depressed and have crappy lives than their peers (I am grossly over simplifying an exaggerating her position and I haven't read her study yet. However, on the radio she seemed really anti donor sperm). Then there was a young woman named Alana Stewart who is on a quest to find her donor that has alienated her from her mother and step-father and who is angry and hurt about the whole donor thing. So altogether not a very uplifting show, though I don't think it was very balanced, either. Like I said, I need to read the study. Then I'll get back to you.

So I just Googled our donor's ID# and came across a blog by a woman who is currently trying to get pregnant. She wrote last month that she was using our donor though she didn't know what he looked like (she apparently didn't dish out the extra dough to get his photo. Perhaps she is just not shallow like me. I HAD to know) but she hoped he made cute babies (he does). Then in the next day's post she writes that the clinic called her and said they were out of her first, second, and third donor choices. And I have to admit, my heart missed a beat for a minute there at the thought of our donor being all gone. Even though I really don't feel like I want any more kids, if we did have more, I would want to use the same donor. I checked our sperm bank's website and it says that they have vials of our guy available. But who knows? Calling them might get a different answer. The question is, do I want that answer?