Thursday Aug. 12, 2010: Parenting sucks

A friend of mine sent me this article from New York magazine called "All Joy and No Fun: Why parents hate parenting" by Jennifer Senior. She said that she especially liked the quote from "an unnamed male psychologist" who said, "[Children are] a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit.” While this might seem to be terribly cynical thing to say, it is, to a certain extent, true.

I should mention that the friend who sent the article is one of the best mothers I know. Whenever I visit her and her kids I take notes and I am a better parent for it.

So, does parenting suck? Well, yes. And no. I mean, sometimes it's wonderful. Other times it makes you want to start drinking. Heavily. One of the things the article focuses on is the myth that having children makes you happy. It does not. In fact, there are apparently a lot of studies out there showing that people with kids are actually less happy than people without kids. Of course, "happy" is a relative term and much depends on how it's defined. But parents typically report being more stressed and anxious than non-parents.

In other words, “The broad message is not that children make you less happy; it’s just that children don’t make you more happy,” economist Andrew Oswald says. And having more than one? “Then the studies show a more negative impact,” he says. Yikes. Certainly helps bolster my argument for having only one.

If your life sucks before you have kids, then your life will suck after you have kids. Only it'll suck more because now, well, you have kids. And kids take a tremendous amount of time, attention, energy (physical and emotional), patience, love, etc. Things that sucky lives are probably in short supply of.

So having a baby in order to "revive" or "save" a crappy marriage is a really, really bad idea. "This is the brutal reality about children," Senior writes, "they’re such powerful stressors that small perforations in relationships can turn into deep fault lines." Even good marriages have problems, and having kids completely exacerbates whatever issues exist. Each person needs so much more from their partners when they have kids. It's easy to feel overwhelmed and resentful that the other parent isn't "doing enough." I am extremely fortunate to have Stacy as my wife and co-parent and am grateful for all that she does. I am also thankful that we have the kind of relationship where we actually talk to each other and are honest. Having Gavin, as much as we love him (and we love him so), has definitely put stress on our relationship. For one thing, adding a third person to the mix -- and an extremely needy person at that -- automatically means we have less time for each other. Marriage is a full time job. As is keeping a house. And, well, having a full time job. When you add the full time job of having a baby to the list, it's pretty much a given that you'll be phoning it in at your other jobs for a while. Babies are all consuming like that.

Senior also mentions a Danish study that found people with kids to be happier. The researcher who did the study noticed "that countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children -- and happier parents." It doesn't take a genius to figure out why that is. Senior writes, "If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free) -- well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve." Why, yes. Yes it would. But that's Socialism and Socialism is evil because... um, why exactly? Because of how everyone loves this country's for-profit daycare system -- where you pay a lot of money to have your kids cared for by people who typically make shit wages -- so much?

After reading this I pretty much feel like we need a parent revolution in this country. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, “instead of political change that would make family life better.” Parenting can be pretty insular -- it's hard to see outside of your own experience with your own child. Which is why so many parents beat themselves up for not being "perfect" even though the system is set up to not only prevent perfection, but to increase anxiety and worry and exhaustion. The very things that make parents unhappy.

Speaking of insular, I took Gavin to the grocery store today with his Aunt Laura. That was our big outing. I bought more corn on the cob not knowing that we already had corn on the cob at home. I thought we'd eaten it all. But since I was with Gavin when we passed by the corn I thought about how much he loves it and how adorable it is to see him eating corn on the cob just like a regular person. So my intentions were good. Though I think we're all going to get sick of corn pretty soon.

This evening Gavin had more "balls out" time in the back yard. It was really hot today so we had the sprinkler set up and I got out this little play tent I had originally bought for his birthday party, but since it rained I didn't bust it out. And "bust it out" is definitely the right term because once I'd unfolded the damn thing there was no going back. It comes with instructions on how to fold it up again, but they are pictorial with a line drawing of a perfectly calm man folding the tent without hassle or problem. Arrows are also included, presumably for direction, though they really should be aimed at the man's head or, better, shot through his heart. Still, Gavin had fun in his tent, especially when I played peek-a-boo with him, popping my head up in front of the windows or from the opening in the top (it's a play tent, not a camping tent, after all). I got an adorable photo of him standing in the tent, only his little bare butt visible through the door. Thankfully he didn't pee in the tent. And Henri didn't pee on it. So that's a win at least.