Okay. That's not fair. And maybe not even true (only time will tell). All I can say is that the past few days and nights have been really horrible. LAst night Gavin cried for almost 3 and a half hours between 1 and 4 a.m. Needless to say, Stacy and I didn't sleep during that period either. Today everyone was tired. Everyone was crabby. Especially the Gavin part of everybody. Poor dude. He was crying through naps left and right today. By the time STacy got home from work Gavin and I were both fried.
I don't know how anyone gets through the sleep training process without a) getting divorced or b) their children becoming wards of the state.
But maybe the worst is behind us. That's what the testimonials re: the book say ("the book" being Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth). One lady wrote a review on Amazon saying her kid cried for three hours the first night, an hour the second, and 20 minutes the third. After that it was smooth sailing. I hope that's the path we're on. But when you're listening to your kid cry for over three hours it's hard to stay sane. I mean, crying is supposed to get your ass moving as a parent. So to hear Gavin cry ("lustily" as the book says. Gross) for so long and not go to him, make it stop, make it all better is torture. And last night was so hard, but at least Stacy was there. Granted at times I had made her out to be the enemy. Her decisiveness wavering at the same time mine meant not that we were both under a lot of stress but that she was responsible for all of this and therefore she was forcing me to be a bad mom to my son. But then I put my head in her lap and she ran her fingers through my hair and massaged my scalp and I found myself dozing off in the din.
But not today. Today Stacy was at work. Gavin and I had to go it alone. I was sleep deprived. So was he. And he cried without fail every time I put him down. And there was no one to blame but me. And there was no one to comfort me. And I wasn't allowed to comfort him. By his last nap I was so over it. I was so ready to tell Stacy that sleep training was OVER and I was now in charge of our son's emotional well-being since she clearly didn't know what she was doing or care. Mind you, I may have been over reacting a bit. And we're still sleep training. So that should tell you something. Granted, I never told Stacy that I was thinking any of these things. I didn't really see how my lack of sleep derived ranting would help the situation.
I hear Gavin crying all of the time now. Even when he's not. I'm constantly on edge, listening for it. I want him so badly to sleep, not only so that I may sleep, but because I know it is what is good for him and that's the whole point of this godforsaken thing. But I hear his cries even when he's sitting in his exersaucer right across from me smiling his little crooked-lip smile. There's just this phantom crying constantly in my head. Maybe it isn't safe for me to be alone with him.
Do I need to mention that neither of us changed out of our pajamas today? Although I did take a shower. After all, the shower drowns out the cries at least for a little while. Exasperation-driven hygiene is pretty much the level I'm at right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment